A word from the Ministry...

Good Morning. There now follows a Broadcast on behalf of The Ministry of Sid. For several years now, (Or days. But mainly days.) we at the Ministry have been working tirelessly to promote the philosophy of the late, great Sir.Sidney James. Yes, phwoarrr CRIKEEE indeed madam. Through the cinematic medium, Sir.Sidney espoused, indeed pioneered the view that life was a 'Bit of a laugh' and 'Well worth it for the giggles'. We now interrupt your normal Blogging pleasure with the following;

Humour; temperament or disposition of mind: a mental quality which apprehends and delights in the ludicrous and mirthful: playful fancy:-vt to go in with the humour of: to gratify by compliance.

So sayeth our trusty and revered copy of the Chambers's Twentieth Century Dictionary (1959).

'You don't say.' - Sid James.

We shall begin. Although most, if not all of the cinematic offerings listed here have, indeed been offered as a televisual experience, i.e. 'On the box' to descend to the common British parlance, they all started out 'On the Big Screen', as opposed to the television shows with with their relatively humbler ouvre'. (Our colleagues at the Ministry of Hitting you over the Head with Blunt Instruments are standing by should any of you be shouting – or whining like toddlers deprived of their lollipops – that both the Monty Python and Naked Gun concepts ascended from television to the Nickleodeon.)

FILM/SERIES/AUSTIN POWERS: Three films, to wit: (Ta WOOO) A TRILOGY;

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)  Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002).

Mike Myers, he of Waynes World fame sends up the sixties spy genre with a series of romps that leave no gag unturned – plenty of laughs all round, notably in the second outing, with a series of celebrity cameos and jokes developed from the first. All three offerings worth seeing – even 007 would laugh. (It may seem obvious, but you really need to see the films and shows featured here, to have more than a passing idea of the actual humour involved... Humour isn't funny when you examine it, which might seem a touch odd – but, we can but try...)

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Dr.Evil, the nehru-jacketed super-fiend. Blofeld played for laughs. 

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Take your pick. We favour the tent-silhouette sight-gags – and presume  Mr.Myers has a copy of Carry on Camping...

FILM/ BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN (2006)

Sacha Baron Cohen, creator of characters such as Ali G, and Brüno wrote and produced this fake-documentary about a fictional Kazakh journalist, Borat Sagdiyev and his attempt to produce a documentary film about US life and customs. In love with Pamela Anderson, Borat naively woos her with a 'traditional' Kazakhstani kidnap-marriage proposal. The people featured in the film vary from real-life Americans to stooges – and was widely banned in the Arab world. Borat himself hates Jews and Homosexuals, is prejudiced and stupid with little idea of the World outside his native country.

While we at the Ministry (O.K. Me at my keyboard – go with it; It didn't cost you anything and there's crap-all on telly) understand that themes including Homosexuality and Religion might be taboo in certain areas of the World/US States with Highways named for Country & Western Singers nonetheless this is a remarkably funny film. As an aside, in an outraged attempt to defend their fine Nation as progressive and 'With-it', Kazakhstan invited several members of the press to visit. The first man interviewed?; a local with a donkey cart, who, smiling with all three of his teeth cheerfully admitted he valued his donkey above his wife.

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Azamat Bagatov (Ken Davitian) – Borat's friend and Producer – once seen naked, never forgotten.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Borat's, um ablutions in New York.

TELEVISION/SERIES/BOTTOM (1991 - 1995)

A British 'Sitcom' (Situation Comedy – a Comedy set in a fixed set of circumstances or location; here, two unemployed 'losers' on Unemployment Benefit living in a dilapidated flat in Hammersmith, London – with recurring themes and supporting characters.)

Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall play Richie and Eddie (Richard 'Richie' Richard and Edward 'Eddie' Elizabeth Hitler. Both stalwarts of ground-breaking TV series The Young Ones Edmondson and Mayall went on to the British Saturday Night Live show as 'The Dangerous Brothers', with anarchistic violence and insanity on stage. Bottom features such delights as flaming farts, forks stuck into eyeballs and a home-made cattle-prod that induces instant bowel-failure when used. The humour revolves around the pair's endless attempt to lose their virginity, get drunk and generally cause havoc.   

(The series spawned Five Stage Shows, plus a film Guest House Paradiso – the latter, although entertaining, didn't fully live up to it's promise, getting just two 'Sids') .

NOTABLE CHARACTER/S: Steve O'Donnell as Spudgun, Christopher Ryan (The Young Ones) as Dave Hedgehog, Richie and Eddies' only friends.

RANDOM FUNNY BITS: 'Frankinstein, Gold and Grrr' – Richie becomes convinced he is the Virgin Mary. Also, the gag on the Ferris Wheel – where Eddie pulls out an 'Emergency Pint' of beer – in a pub glass - from his coat. (How???.)

FILM/HOT FUZZ (2007)

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost star, Pegg and Edgar Wright co-wrote this action comedy mystery. The three were responsible for the TV series Spaced and the massively successful Shaun of the Dead.

Nicholas Angel (Pegg) is a Metropolitan Police Officer, a super-cop who is starting to make his colleagues look bad, hence his transfer to Sandford, Gloucestershire – one of those Olde-Worlde villages that Britain has so many of; polar opposites to London. On arriving, one of his first busts turns out to be his new partner PC Danny Butterman (Frost) the son of the local Inspector (Jim Broadbent). Basically, people are dying – mysterious deaths that Angel soon realises are murders. British comedy legend Bill Bailey turns up as the Sergeant Turner twins, Timothy Dalton is the sinister local shopkeeper and Edward Woodward is an obsessive member of the Neighbourhood Watch Alliance – without giving it all away the film basically spoofs those 'Lethal Weapon' buddy-cop movies, amusingly set in a twee village with a high-octane finale... and funny as funny gets.

NOTABLE CHARACTER: DS Andy Wainwright (Paddy Considine). A sarcastically cynical CID Officer.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Hard to choose, but let's go for the scene with Angel's ex-girlfriend the forensics officer.

TELEVISION/SERIES/FAWLTY TOWERS (1975/1979)

John Cleese, of Monty Python fame and then-wife Connie Booth wrote and starred in what, for many must be the funniest TV show ever made. Typically British, the series ran for just 12 episodes, Cleese and Booth deciding against making more to keep the quality high (Pity the producers of The Simpsons didn't follow suit after, say five years – hilarious though the show was).

Basil Fawlty and his wife Sybil (Prunella Scales) run a Torquay guest house, with Polly (Booth) the chambermaid and the hopeless Spanish waiter Manuel (Andrew Sachs). Fawlty is an insufferable man who clearly feels the hotel would run smoother without guests getting in the way – his customer service seems based on that of Hitler's SS and he is the most ghastly snob to boot. Sybil is bossy, seemingly oblivious to her husband's idiosyncracies, while Polly often saves his bacon, such as when he tries to conceal his gambling from Sybil. Manuel is simply unable to speak English, leading to farcical misunderstandings and, often a clout from his irascible employer. Each episode is a gem – carefully crafted with, obviously, a breathtaking amount of preparation.

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Major Gowen (Ballard Berkeley), a slightly senile old boy, in permanent residence at Fawlty Towers. Appears frequently, to good comic effect.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Impossible! - but; the 'Fawlty Towers' sign is mischievously re-arranged at the start of every episode, sometimes subtly, but favourites include; WATERY FOWLS, FARTY TOWELS and FLOWERY TWATS.

FILM/SERIES/NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989)

Written by John Hughes, the film is the third in the Vacation series (After National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) and National Lampoon's European Vacation (1985)). Once more, Chevy Chase is Clark Griswold.Jr, a family man trying to do his best – it's Christmas, the Griswold's are hosting a family re-union and everything rests on Clark. With long-suffering wife Ellen (Beverly D'Angelo) and the kids (Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki) in support, it all goes predictably wrong. There's a sub-plot revolving around Clark's Christmas Bonus, with Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie turning up to add to the chaos. The Christmas lights – all 25,000 of them – don't work (When they do it's like the Sun at night, the electric company has to turn on their spare generator), there's a hunt for the perfect tree and a sewage-gas explosion that somehow encompasses the perfect Griswold Family Christmas. Laughs all the way; a Seasonal Gem.

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Cousin Eddie - Randy Quaid reprises his role from Vacation, a welcome return, providing some real belly-laughs.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: The scene where Clark coats a barbeque (?) lid with a super-Teflon type coating to make a sled, instantly shooting off downhill like a bullet from a gun...

FILM/SERIES/THE NAKED GUN (1988 – 1994)

Following his success in Airplane! The late Leslie Nielsen starred in a TV show featuring the same brand of comic mayhem – unbelievably, Police Squad! Was cancelled by morons unknown after just 6 episodes. They are now, of course, classics, hence the spin-offs of the Naked Gun trilogy. From the files of Police Squad! Was followed in1991 by The Smell of Fear and, ultimately The Final Insult.

Nielsen is Detective Frank Drebin, a consummate bungler a la Clouseau, who stumbles his way through the plots of all three movies – Ricardo Montalban's plan to assassinate Queen Elizabeth II, Robert Goulet's energy-lobby scientist kidnap plot and Fred Ward/Kathleen Freeman's scheme to blow up the Academy Awards. It's sight-gags all the way, with support from Priscilla Presley (No less), George Kennedy and, ironically, OJ Simpson. Often hysterically funny, all three films – and the series are essential viewing.

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Ted Olson (Ed Williams) Scientist at the Police Squad lab, his scenes were always fun, in the series very un-pc (Much in the vein of  Peter Graves's 'Captain Oveur' in Airplane!) - inappropriate, but funny.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: The 'Everybody freeze!' bit at the end of Police Squad! Episodes; the action froze as the credits rolled, but instead of a freeze-frame, the cast would stand still (If a bit wobbly).

FILM/PAUL (2011)

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost again, this time writing and starring in an Alien Road-Trip comedy – As British sci-fi comic book fanatics Graeme Willy (Pegg) and Clive Gollings who are best mates (If it works...) who rent an RV and head for San Diego Comic-Con – a sort of meeting place for geeks, freaks and people seriously into comics. Stopping by a car wreck, they discover an alien, Paul (Seth Rogen providing the voice for the CGI creation). On the run from Area 51, Paul is desperate to go back home – 'they' plan to remove his brain for research, so the hapless Brits agree to help, although Clive seems to resent someone (Or something) else coming between best friends. Paul himself is witty, urbane and likes a spliff and swears casually – although the film references plenty of Sci-Fi (Especially Speilberg), this is the Anti-ET. At an RV park they meet Ruth Buggs (Kristen Wiig), a one-eyed girl and, like her Father a Fundamentalist Christian. Meeting Paul – naturally – throws her belief's into doubt, especially when he heals her blind eye and shares the knowledge of the Universe with her via a mind-link. She gets horny – and learns to swear.

No surprise – 'they' want 'him' back, so Secret Service Agent  Lorenzo Zoll (Jason Bateman) is on the case, aided by a couple of rookies. Zoll answers to the mysterious 'Big Guy', whose identity is apparently a secret...

As well as the mind-sharing thing and the healing powers, Paul can remain invisible for as long as he can hold his breath – which leads to a few of the gags here. (As I said before, it really pays to see these for yourself – I can only give you a hint as to what I personally think you might find funny – and I've never met you, you wonderful creature you...) There's a plot, a twist in the ending and we finish at Comic-Con two years hence with Best Buddies promoting their smash hit graphic novel Paul...

I laughed for ages. I can't say I'd choose this over, say Hot Fuzz or Father Ted, (I didn't actually get into Shaun of the Dead although I thought it was close to brilliance) in fact if you haven't seen a Pegg & Frost start with Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead, then sit down with this one...

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Paul – CGI characters have come a long way since Jar-Jar Binks... now they can be likeable and plausible and not something you'd like to fire out of a cannon through a chain-link fence.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: The 'F*&k, yeah!' gag when Paul instructs Ruth on the etiquette of swearing.

TELEVISION/SERIES/ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES (1981 – 2003)

Lovely Jubbly! - Created by the late John Sullivan, writer of  British TV sitcom Citizen Smith, the show takes it's name from the old phrase 'Why do only fools and horses work?' - the spirit of the show is of avoiding tax, blurring the line between legitimate and shady dealings – summed up in the Cockney phrase 'Ducking and Diving'. The title song neatly encapsulates this, sung by Sullivan himself, with references to bundles of notes, 'hooky' (Stolen or 'Dodgy') merchandise and the like. Comedy actor David Jason made his name with his portrayal of 'Del Boy' – Derek Trotter. (Detective Crime fans shouldn't miss his later 'Frost' series)Del Boy lives in a high-rise flat in Peckham, Sarf Lahn-dan and lives, initially with Grandad (Lennard Pearce) and younger Brother Rodney (Nicholas Lyndhurst). An illicit market trader, Del Boy and Rodney sell 'hooky' goods from a suitcase, Rodney being the look-out for the Police (Much like the sequence with Jason Statham in Lock, Stock & Two smoking Barrels). British market patrons will instantly recognise the types – two likeable 'Jack the Lads' who are shown as just trying to get by...

The humour comes from the situations the characters get into – Selling a load of 'knocked off' Inflatable Sex Dolls, which turn out to be factory rejects mistakenly filled with highly flammable gas, Marketing 'Peckham Spring' bottled water – actually tap water or buying what Del calls a 'Statellite-Dish' – actually a stolen airport homing beacon – that they only just switch off in time to prevent a Jumbo Jet landing on the flats...

The supporting cast varies (Pearce died and was replaced by 'Uncle Albert' – Buster Merryfield, a WWII Navy veteran and 'Jonah' who sank every ship he served on), but regulars include;

John Challis as local second-hand car dealer Boycie – an annoying snob whose dopey wife Marlene (Sue Holderness) may or may not have had an affair with Del (We never find out, but she falls pregnant and Boycie is a 'jaffa' – i.e. seedless)

The likeable, but stupid Roadsweeper 'Trigger' (Roger Lloyd Pack) is often seen at the local, 'The Nag's Head' – the butt of many of the jokes, he persists in calling Rodney 'Dave'.

Later on, Del meets and falls for a failed singer/actress Raquel (Tessa Peake-Jones) while Rodney meets and later marries Cassandra (Gwyneth Strong) – an actress that seems to be, as with Sondra Locke in certain Clint Eastwood movies, there solely to annoy. Even her annoying presence doesn't dent the comedy though. (As an aside, when will TV producers learn the 'Scrappy Doo' lesson? - when a top show seems to flag, adding obviously tacked-on characters just makes the whole thing groan under the added weight. For 'Scrappy' feel free to substitute 'A-Team'.)

The show ran for seven series with several continuation Christmas Specials.

NOTABLE CHARACTER: Trigger – priceless!.

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Everyone always goes for Del falling through the serving hatch in 'Yuppie Love', but I'm with 'Good 'Evenin' – Del uses a Blow-Up Dolly as a Ventriloquist's Dummy to trick a myopic old bloke...

FILM/MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN (1979)

The Python's made the leap to the silver screen more than once, but I have to be ruthless here – so Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life has to be – reluctantly – set aside. Directed by Terry Jones, it stars him as well as the Python stalwarts John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Graham Chapman with Eric Idle and, of course Michael Palin. Controversy surrounded this one and its not hard to see why; Chapman is Brian Cohen, born in the Holy Land and everyone thinks he is the Messiah (HAA-ley-LOO-YAH) (HA-LEE-LOO-YAH) (HAA-LEYY-LUU-YAH). Falling in with the radical People's Front of Judea, Brian accidentally finds himself having to spout out some old rubbish about religion to deceive the Roman guards who are after him. People fall for it and start following him – to his dismay everything he says is seized on as THE WORD – even when he says he isn't the Messiah (HAA-ley-LOO-YAH) (HA-LEE-LOO-YAH) (HAA-LEYY-LUU-YAH) some eejit proclaims 'Only the TRUE Messiah denies his divinity!'. As is often the case with religion, when people get it bad there's no telling the buggers.

Sentenced by Pilate to be crucified, things look bleak. Even the Judean People's Front (A rival group) fail to save Brian, their 'Crack Suicide Squad' springing into action... and committing suicide, hari-kiri style (I've never heard of Seppu-ku, so don't bother...). Philosophically, Brian breaks into song; 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'...

Banned in Norway (I'm amazed anyone noticed) the film caused outrage for its blasphemy and depiction of certain types of religious folks as credulous fools. Luckily, we know that A; God can take a joke. He is, after all, the bloke that created Penguins, and Kenny Rogers has NEVER been hit by lightning. Not once. And , of course; 2; Religions do tend to attract credulous fools amongst the faithful...

NOTABLE CHARACTERS: The cast in general for their multiple personalities; Eric Idle, for instance appears as no less than eight characters... this lends to the Python feel and the humour of the whole thing...

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Brian; 'Are you the People's Front of Judea?'

(John Cleese as) Reg; 'F**K OFF! - we're the Judean People's Front!.'

FILM/SAY IT ISN'T SO (2001)

Chris Klein is Gilbert Noble, who falls for 'Jo' Wingfield (Heather Graham). They make love before it is revealed they are brother and sister – the whole town is scandalised, Gilbert is an outcast. He flees, bumping (literally) into Orlando Jones, who plays Dig McCaffrey, a disabled pilot with more than a passing resemblance to Jimi Hendrix. They get into various scrapes – the 'pervert' tag proves impossible to shake due to various hapless incidents that just seem to confirm it – before it's proved that – SURPRISE! - Chris and Jo are not really siblings after all...  There's a lot going on, but it all works out – luckily Chris' REAL Mom is Seventies Sex-Symbol Suzanne Somers. Whom he used to fantasize about while mass-debating. Ummm.... yep.

Apparently everyone hated this film – well raspberries to the lot of 'em; me like 'em, me choose 'em.

NOTABUBBLE CHARACTER: Sally Field plays Valdine, Jo's Mother. (Smokey & The Bandit being a favourite of mine, this won't surprise too many of you.)

RANDOM FUNNY BIT: Dig's business card – ''I'll fly up your ass if the money's right” - just had me folded up...

TELEVISION/SERIES/FATHER TED (1995-1998)

Set on the fictional Craggy Island, off the irish mainland, three priests have been effectively exiled, sent to live in a Parochial House by the vengeful Bishop Brennan (Jim Norton) with insane Mrs.Doyle the Housekeeper. Pauline McLynn plays her to a Tea. (One of the running jokes is her first name – we never hear it).

Father Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan) was banished to the island for an unclear incident involving misappropriation of money. A worldly figure, he doesn't care much for religion, being comparatively normal as opposed to his two charges;

Father Dougal McGuire, played by Ardal O'Hanlon, Dougal is an eejit of the first water. He has no idea about Catholicism – or anything, for that matter. In one show (The Mainland) He sticks his head out of the car window, tongue hanging out like a family dog, likes roller-blading and is generally stuck in a child-like existence.

Father Jack Hackett – Frank Kelly – is a decrepit, broken-down alcoholic priest who seems only dimly aware of his surroundings. His main vocabulary consists of 'Arse!' 'Feck!' and 'DRRRink!', though Ted, in one episode teaches him the word 'Yes!' and the phrase 'That would be an ecumenical matter!' to get round a group of visiting Bishops.

The humour comes from farce – Ted gets into some trouble involving, say, accusations of Racism. In one episode, Craggy Island turns out to (suddenly) have a Chinese Community. Despite his efforts, events seem to confirm Ted is nothing less than a Nazi – He is 'having a go' about something through the window, which has a strangely square-shaped black dirt mark on the glass. Watching in horror, two of the Chinese people see him as Hitler. Later on, he invites the whole Chinese Community back to the parochial house for a drink – unaware of a mix-up involving a fugitive Nazi's will that sees the living room plastered in Nazi regalia...

The show ran for three series, ending with the tragic death of Dermot Morgan aged just 45. In the top two of my all-time top comedy shows.

NOTABLY A CHARACTER: John and Mary, who run the local shop – a married couple, they hate each other, only to break off from a violent fight to appear as if happily married whenever any priests approach...

RADNOM FUNNY TIB: 'The Mainland' – myopic Father Jack wanders into a pub, about to down a Whiskey when a man from an Alcoholic Support Group he wandered into knocks the glass away – with the line 'One day, Father you'll th...' Cut to an Ambulance racing along at high speed with blues and sirens wailing...

TELEVISION/SERIES/BLACKADDER (1983 – 1989)

Hey Nonny-Nonny My Lord, I have a Cunning Plan... Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson (Pre- Mr.Bean and Johnny English) conspired to write a medieval comedy series entitled The Black Adder – don't bother, apart from some good bits, it was more hit than miss. Luckily Curtis teamed up with Ben Elton to write the follow-ups. Elton – (a mildly annoying lefty-comic that just inspired me to punch sociology students) was notable for co-writing anarchic alternative comedy series The Young Ones.

Blackadder II, Blackadder the Third and Blackadder Goes Forth were the result.

Using the same characters – descendants of the originals, Atkinson and regular Tony Robinson were joined by such comedy heavyweights as Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.

Atkinson is Edmund Blackadder, basically a manipulative schemer with a clever mind and many a dubious scheme – the character is essentially the same though the times change; II is set at the heart of Elizabethan London, Third in the Regency equivalent and Forth in the trenches of World War I.

Whether a Courtesan, a Royal Butler or an Army Officer, the man remains true to the principles of deviousness and low cunning. Aiding him through his incarnations is S. Baldrick (Robinson); a private in Forth , but a servant in the two previous series. Stupid and gullible, Baldrick is a man of low-expectation, often butt of the jokes, yet an irrepressible optimist.

The situations are essentially either get-rich quick schemes gone awry, or schemes to save Blackadder from harm – in II for example, Queen Elizabeth is always threatening to have his head cut off, in Forth there's always another suicide mission such as 'Operation Certain Death' being thought up by the insane General Melchett (Fry). I laughed at II, didn't stop laughing at Third (The final episode with Fry as Wellington forcing the gormless fop The Prince Regent into a duel with little mortars is hysterical) and Forth caused a stir of controversy with its depiction of the madness of the slaughter-contest that was the First World War. The very best of the series, Forth alone is a testament to the very finest comedy writing and acting. 

NOT ABLE CHAR TRACE: Rik Mayall as Lord Flashheart – basically an insufferable showoff, the girls love him and 'Slack-Bladder' hates him...

MORDAN BIN FUNTY: Honestly we could be here all day with this; so I'll go for the scene where General Melchett inspects the model representing total British gains in the battle thus far – a tabletop model of a small section of mud – On enquiring the scale of the model, he is told it's life-size...

The gif(t) of Elvis...

As HQ has just informed me; dinner is ten minutes away... so, as it's Bangers, Mash n'Onions I'll be brief... (Simple fare, perhaps, but my wife, the long-suffering Mrs.S is a Cockney* - that means lots of things, but in the food area we're talking simple, well-cooked traditional British nosh - top grub!.*As opposed to Mockneys, those annoyingly loud post-yuppie pumpers that claim 'Orfentick Lahndan Ancesterey' because their grand-dad's aunt's best friend once visited Big Ben. Mrs.S was born in Newham, as in the East End of London and just three minutes from West Ham FC.)

So, have some Elvis GIFS - those animated amusements (They amuse me) that slow your computer down maddeningly, never save when you want them to, but are one of my childish delights... (I didn't do the Elvis Vegas one or the Animated Elvis Cartoon, I nicke...appropriated those...)

Elvis & Nixon - you'd never believe it, but EP did actually make the trip - on a whim - to the White House to meet Tricky Dicky, offering his services as an undercover drug agent (UnderCOVER? - the guy was more famous than Pepsi!) and a sort of youth ambassador in the nation's fight against commie thinking and drugs generally. I won't waste too much time pointing out the obvious, but Elvis' drug use was, as he saw it, legit - doctors prescribed the drugs so they were o.k.. As opposed to scoring on street corners. I guess being alone at the top for so long, you turn to whatever comfort you can find. Anyway - I love this one, not least as EP looked his best here.

(Roustabout - the only Elvis movie I own, bought for £2 at a charity shop...) Cornball, but fun. BTW - If you see it, check the bike through the fence stunt - isn't that actually Elvis Presley doing the stunt?... Anyway, dinner's ready!...

The power of suggestion...

Yes, forty five (Horribly appropriate in my case) - we're up to 45 posts or so; as Tarzan said Safari so-goody and as 1; They haven't caught me yet and X; You are actually disturbed enough to be reading this (Clinical Psychololologists exempted) I'm guessing that someone, somewhere is entertained by my ramblations...

So, I'll pop the question (Already married, but thanks anyway 'Russian Lady I love you handsome British men' / Nigerian Princess seeks help releasing $4.2 Mil Ugandan; that position is taken...);

Is there anything you, the lovely readers out there would like to see on this blog?. Any suggestions at all - it could be virtually anything; as well as the obvious 007/Elvis stuff I cover a fair range of stuff - mostly pop culture, stuff appealing to middle-of-the-road mid-life chaps like me, but as I say - it could be just about anything...

I would suggest though, if its Justin Beiber or Slipknot perhaps somewhere else (Motorhead, ZZ-Top, Zappa, Alice Cooper, Sinatra, The Doors is more my line), but... you get the idea.

Suggestions, comments, critique please; either here or;

coastwriter@hotmail.co.uk

@Coastwriter67 on Twitter

Have fun! Mark

From Bognor with Love. The Bargain Bond...

GIGGLES IN THE SAND

‘Bugger Bognor!’ Yes, the last words of King George V – and presumably a sentiment often shared by horrified British Dads. Although a trip to Butlins might not top everyone’s list of holiday destinations, the King was doing the town a dis-service with his reaction to a suggested curative visit  - living about fifteen miles away, my wife and self often drive over – yes, I rinse round the Charity Shops and she grits her teeth a lot…

Yes, an odd place to find 007 – Singapore, perhaps, Rio de, possibly, but Bognor Regis?; you must be joking… well, the Skyfall production did indeed film there for the imminently-imminent movie (The Royal Premiere was last night at the Royal Albert Hall, London, with the usual hoo-hah, an Aston Martin DB5 and a rather slinky Berenice Marlohe doing her best not to laugh at the ridiculous Alex Zane.). Apparently a need for cost-cutting led to the choice of the beach there – it really is a lovely beach, with a wide horizon, some BIG sky (At times) and it could pass for anywhere – which would fit with EON practice. Remember that lovely Korean hut by the sea in Die Another Day?; Cornwall. I’m reserving all judgments until I’ve seen Skyfall.

Off on a tangent – (What’s new?) – I really am quite a cynical person, but I can’t see the point in slating a movie that isn’t even out yet – really, why?. You know the type; Daniel Craig is announced as Bond for Casino Royale and off they go – he’s Blond, Bond should be dark, he’s a wuss, broke a tooth filming (Oddly, Roger Moore cracked a tooth on day one filming Live and let Die) – Bond wouldn’t wear a life-jacket… it’s depressing; why even bother to see the bloody film?...

And we’re back in the room… if you can think back that far, there was something about a book review, et voila!;

Being on a tight budget is something I share with EON; not that I call $140,000,000 ($200 Million according to some) particularly tight, but I do have to watch them pennies. Sometimes though, I venture into shops that actually sell new books – one of these, a chain called The Works , has a shop in Bognor. You get the idea; they sell cheap reprints and editions alongside kids paint sets and lets-make-a-stegosaurus kits as well as the sort of DVD you dread receiving for a present. Not that I’m not grateful to Great Aunt Fanny for ‘Steamy Tunnels III; Sweaty Shovellers’… just wasn’t expecting three hours of a Welshman throwing coal into a boiler on some old loco.

Anywhile; I bought a book. About Bond. In Bognor. Tenuous isn’t the word, eh? – onwards dear friends, onwards.

So, ‘For Your Eyes Only, Ian Fleming+James Bond’ by Ben Macintyre (Bloomsbury, Hardback) Priced intriguingly at $34.99 this cost me a whopping £7 – it’s a Bloomsbury USA edition that the chain was selling. Quite often the reason these places are cheap seems to be someone somewhere ordered a crate-load of books and they eventually find their way onto the shelves of bargains by the bucket shops. The book itself is 224 large (I think A4, not sure) pages with an index. Nice paper, well presented and packed with piccies, often whole page or double-spread – often a sign of cheap ‘filling’, but here actually a nicely balanced work.

(Yes I know; but what better way to illustrate my point? - Fleming's Jamaican retreat, Goldeneye. Not all the pics are colour, but where they are it is lavishly used to good effect, as here.)

The blurb about the author reveals him to be a journo and associate editor of the London Times, whose other works include a personal favourite of mine; Agent ZigZag, the true story of one Eddie Chapman, a remarkable spy who played both sides during the Second World War – a real cad, a charmer who could well have influenced Fleming’s ideas about what a spy should be. (This idea gets more than a passing mention in Macintyre’s For Your Eyes Only)

At first glance I misunderstood, but this isn’t a re-write, it’s an in-depth look into the (sometimes) parallel world’s of Ian Fleming and EON Productions. Coverage of Fleming and his family is exhaustive, cradle to the grave in fact. We get a clear picture of the man behind Bond, right down to where he got those amusing names from (Who’d have guessed he went to school with a boy called Scaramanga?) and offers intelligent opinions on who Fleming chose as the models for characters such as ‘M’, Moneypenny et al.

I thoroughly enjoyed this one, at first I bought it for the quality photos – many of which I haven’t seen (And have a guess how many I have seen…), but I hadn’t noticed the author. I had already read Agent ZigZag so I had a clue this might be better than the run of the mill ‘Bond by Numbers’ mulch that gets foisted off on credible fans, as it so patently is. The author educated me in the subject as if I hadn’t even heard of Bond – not a frequent experience. 

I chose ‘Giggles etc’ as a title because of a comment in the book – during a visit to the shooting of Dr.No, Fleming and party arrived on the beach just in time to see Ursula Andress merging from the waves. The interlopers were told to get down by the Director; they complied, with Macintyre stating he can never see the scene without also hearing Fleming, ‘giggling in the sand, just out of camera shot’.

As a final thought – I do realize that many of you lovely folks probably never bother with my efforts at review. Fair enough; variety is the spice, but with the advent of E-buy and suchlike, there’s an excellent chance of actually buying the tomes in question, often at reasonable prices. No point reviewing something if no-one can ever find it…



Bond Babes of the Eighties

 

Yes, the World waits with bated breath, whatever that is, for Skyfall, Daniel Craig's third outing as 007... speculation is rife; what is it about?, will it be his Goldfinger?; but such questions are mere triviality – what we want to know is, are the girls hot?. Get over it, accept it and move on; no-one cares if the girl in peril is a growler, sod 'er, let the bloody train run over her; put her out of her misery – but a babe... Somebody stop that train!, quick – the bolt-cutters!.

Our (I suspect for 'our' I could have just put 'my', but hey-ho...) trip through the Ladies of the James Bond films continues with the inevitability of an unloved season, to the Eighties.

The Eighties. Just after the Seventies, but before the – you've kept up, good; a decade that saw, for the first time the British Prime Minister wearing a dress (Openly and in public, that is) the American President was doing the best acting of his life and the Evil Empire was . The decade saw the amusing; Pac-Man, the Sinclair C-5, the unsettling; the Falklands conflict, a British miner's strike and Rioting in cities across Britain, but also the truly horrific; the Yuppie and... Culture Club. I really cannot apologise enough; it wasn't just these oily crevice-creepers with their loud braces, filo-faxes and 'Money justifies anything' mindsets, but some of the WORST music ever unleashed upon an unsuspecting World. If Culture Club doesn't curdle your wee-wee then all I can really trump them with is Duran-Duran and Bros... and I'll have to let the Durans off as they 'did a Bond'. (If you are unaware of Bros, thank your God and keep a candle lit to His Majesty for His Benevolence. Seriously, don't even contemplate Youtubing these monstrosities...)

The Bond of the Day was the suave and perhaps visibly ageing Roger Moore – but still with two triumphs ahead of him – coming down to Earth after the ambitious Moonraker our last line of defence started the decade in grittier style, the muted and (for Bond) fairly subtle For Your Eyes Only...

The Main Girl is Melina Havelock, the remarkably beautiful French actress Carole Bouquet is out for revenge against the man who ordered her parents killed. Her father, a British agent, was working to recover a bit of kit called ATAC, a high-tech box that enables something or other – and the Ruskies want it!. Toting a Barnett crossbow, she crosses paths with Bond – providing the love interest, but also proving herself to be an agent in her own right. (See?, no sexism here!)

Another Dolly (Hah!) that catches Bond's eye is Countess Lisl von Schlaf, who turns out to be nothing of the sort – she's an ordinary working-class lass who is fated to die at the hands of Kristatos's hench-dudes. Cassandra Harris plays the role engagingly – Bond's 'Goodbye, Countess' at her death is a nice touch, showing a Bond with a conscience. Harris' husband visited the set; he must have liked what he saw, as that was just the first time Pierce Brosnan would walk onto a 007 stage.

Bibi Dahl; Personally, I'd pay good cash to see a film called Teenage Nymphomaniac on Ice, but this is Bond Damnit and he's just too-British for all that sort of carryings-on. Personally, Lynn-Holly Johnson's performance here annoyed the kerrapp out of me, but each to their own...

OCTOPUSSY – 1983 and in my opinion, Roger Moore's final Bond. I know, but am I really alone here? - anyway, we'll get to Adieu to yer Thrills soon enough...

And we're off! - Bond sneaks into a hangar on an enemy airbase – using a horse show as cover. He's rumbled, but escapes, with the help of the lovely Bianca, (Tina Hudson) who drives off and leaves 007 behind in a horse box. 

 The only way out would be, oh, perhaps a teensy-tiny jet-plane with folding wings that could fit into, well a horse box. If you only see one film involving a jet plane coming out from a horses ahse this year...

The action slows down slightly to follow a plot involving faked Faberge Eggs and here's where we see the glamorous Magda, played by Swedish actress Kristina Wayborn. 

The land of Ikea, Abba and Volvo cars (I like my types like my music; stereo...) also gives us the lady of the title; Octopussy herself, none other than our old friend Maud Adams making a welcome return. Nearly a decade after Golden Gun and the girl hasn't aged a bit. She starts off bad (ish), but soon reveals an honourable side, a remarkable beauty as befits Roger Moore's last great outing...

Trivia fans might want to look out for novelist James Clavell's daughter – Michaela Clavell plays Moneypenny's assistant, the not-that-amusingly-named Penelope Smallbone.

A VIEW TO A KILL – yes. Anyway, lets just get through this as best we can, eh?.

Bond is rescued by a Submarine disguised as an iceberg, piloted by agent Kimberley Jones. The girl playing Jones being one Mary Stavin, from Sweden (She was in Octopussy too, so I'm told). The one-time girlfriend of footballer George Best, Stavin was Miss World 1977. (I really should make the time for a decent sexism joke, but the men amongst you have heard them all and the women wouldn't get it anyway...) (Boom-boom!).

There's a plot, there's a girl; but first! May Day, not a cry for help, more of a scream for mercy....

The extraordinary Jamaican model/singer Grace Jones adds /actress with her portrayal of an athletic killer, genetically-enhanced from birth as is her boss, Zorin (Christopher Walken playing the part tongue firmly in cheek). 

Day knocks off agents at an alarming rate, base-jumps off the Eiffel tower and generally scares the life out of us doing so. 

Badly under-used are hench-wimmin Jenny Flex and Pan-Ho, brought to the screen by the Irish actress Alison Doody and the wonderfully named Papillon Soo-Soo. It's a pity too; as both are widely famous now; Doody's roles including the duplicitous Nazi-stunna Elsa in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Soo-Soo for, well, do the words 'Me so horny?' or 'Me love you long-time' ring any bells? - yep; the Vietnamese hooker in Kubrick's full-on War flick Full Metal Jacket.

Stacey Sutton, the main girl here is played by a very pretty American actress - Tanya Roberts, who certainly looks the part if the film never quite does.

Fiona Fullerton (And most British men of a certain age certainly would, I can tell you. Repeatedly.)

is Pola Ivanova, the lyrically-named Russian spy, working with dear old Walter Gotell as the Soviet Union's answer to 'M'. There's a hot-tub scene, which Moore seems to enjoy enormously.

(AHH-A-AH-AHH) THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS – It had to happen; my favourite Bond received his pension book and bus pass, which meant two things; Sales of reversible safari-suits and double-breasted blazers crashed and badly misjudged speculation rocketed; who would step into Bond's shoes and spend the next three weeks practising that introduction?.

The name was Dalton. Timothy Dalton. And of course, you all know the rest; he only did two films. Why? - was it his accent?, did the – notoriously fickle – American audience have trouble understanding his 'Norvern' accent?, was it the – also notorious – production difficulties experienced during Licence to Kill?. I thought he was brilliant – just about spot – on. The man had class, an established Shakey-spearian actor with an athletic frame and an earnest approach combining vitality with humour and a genuine, believable emotional side to his character. Whatever the reasons, Dalton only graced the series twice – and this really was a pity.

And the girls?;

Maryam d'Abo (Above) is Kara Milovy, the main Bond Girl – but first, we meet 'Linda' (Kell Tyler) who is all alone, bored on a yacht. Chatting to a friend on her portable phone, she wishes for a real man – and before she can rub her magic lamps here's Bond parachuting onto her!. 

 The champagne firm Bollinger were quick off the mark with the promotional poster (Inset)

British character actress Julie T.Wallace, (Above) fresh from her success in Fay Weldon's TV hit The Life & Loves of a She-Devil is Rosika Miklos, an ally of Bond's in a small role for a big girl. An even smaller role – with the smallest outfit ever seen in a Bond, (i.e. topless) goes to Australian Virginia Hey, who plays Rubavitch, General Pushkin's erm, recreational-assistant. You've seen her before; she was the main good-girl-wearing-white in Mad Max 2 – The Road Warrior with Mel, also the blue alien-girl in Sci-Fi series Farscape.

Oh, dear old Lois Maxwell bowed out with A View To a Kill; Caroline Bliss plays the new Moneypenny;

...and there's still room for that old standard - the Bond-surrounded-by-Babes photo!.

LICENCE TO KILL – Not exactly a Babe-Fest, this one, but the girls that appear are a pleasing mix of brains and beauty.

It all revolves around Sanchez (Robert Davi is magnificent, as is Benicio Del-Toro as his sidekick), a South American drug-Tzar who offers $2,000,000 bribes to bent (That's British for corrupt, not gay) DEA officials to free him from arrest. His girly is Lupe Lamora, pronounced Loopy and she must be; the guy's a real charmer. Whipping Lupe with an iguana is his idea of charm, after having her lover's heart cut out (Mercifully the latter is off-screen). Brooklyn actress Talisa Soto plays the role with haughty-beauty and dignified small-town-gal-makes-good airs.

Along the way we meet Loti – a sort of Ninja from Hong Kong Narcotics, who comes a cropper and really is only there as A: A plot device to convince Sanchez Bond is really ex-British Intelligence and not remotely obviously about to stitch him up in a massive and preferably exploding fashion. B?; Oh, yes, she was Miss something-or-other in Playboy in 1988 – I can't show you the pictures I found on-line due to reasons of taste, but Diana Lee-Hsu is deffo-worth a quick Google...

I'll wind up the Bond Babes of the Eighties – reluctantly – with my favourite from Licence, CIA pilot and generally useful gal to know Pam Bouvier, American actress Carey Lowell is feisty and nobody's fool. I was glad when Bond offloaded Lupe on El Presidente and dived after Pam – she's the hotter of the two in my eyes...

Oh have another two then...

Well, so much for the Eighties – the decade that saw me discover girls in general – and dear old Tim too; there were to be no more Bond's until half-way through the Nineties... and a new Bond means new girls too...