CAUTION:
PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD
“Making
mud pies, 007?”
A Japanese paper-screened living room,
calm, serene. Apart from the Japanese man thrown through the wall,
knocked about by a man with an oddly familiar Scottish brogue. Not
his shoes – his accent... really, do pay attention... Where
is Blofeld?; Cairo!. Cut to an Egyptian casino, a seedy Egyptian in a
tux and fez calls for cards; 'Hit me.' The mystery Jock obliges and
is given a name; Marie. In the blink of an eye we are on the French
riviera and Miss World 1953 is reclining in a bikini and as if you
couldn't guess, Sean Connery ambles up to deliver that opener; “My
name is Bond. James Bond.” Giving his name, he takes her bikini
top, throttling her. So, where is Ernst
Stavro Blofeld?.
With
his plastic surgeons, as it turns out, an impatient Blofeld demands
the procedure be performed tonight!. This involves a
Frankenstein-style lab with the patient immersed in a piping-hot
natural mud bath. As the surgeons conveniently leave, Bond sneaks in
in scrubs and takes a look around. A muddy revolver emerges from the
bath to menace Bond and he dives for the chain to send a deluge of
mud onto the patient, suffocating him.
A jet of water reveals the
dead man wasn't Blofeld and the real thing walks in, flanked by two
armed goons (sporting the funniest helmets seen in any Bond until
Moonraker). The deceased would
have been Blofeld's double in a day or two and Blofeld orders a goon
to remove 007's gun. Reaching into Bond's jacket, he gets his fingers
mangled by the fiendish trap in the pocket – not something for the
absent-minded – and 007 does a knife throwing routine with scalpels
before knocking Blofeld senseless and wheeling him into a hot mud
spring. “Welcome to hell, Blofeld”; Bond's enjoyment of the
moment is cut short, by the arrival of none other than... Volcano
Cat!.
Diamonds
are Forever
They
are all I need to please me
They
can stimulate and tease me
They
won't leave in the night-
I've
no fear that they might-
Desert
Me
Burley Chassis – forgive me, Shirley Bassey introduces a
world of sparkling opulence, the wonderful title sequence from
Maurice Binder sets the scene and the usual artfully nude girls are
draped in diamonds, (as is Volcano Cat, himself stylishly accoutred
in diamond choker, the epitome of elegance and nonchalance as he
strolls through the titles thoroughly enjoying himself)
A tray of magnificent diamonds and M is briefing a visibly bored
James Bond before they meet Sir.Donald Munger, diamond expert. South
African diamonds are being smuggled – as Sir.Donald outlines the
problem we see a montage revealing the workers offloading the stones
to the mine dentist.
Above: Mr. Kidd (Left) and Mr.Wint
Two decidedly odd characters, Mr.Wint and Mr.Kidd are in the South
African desert regarding a deadly scorpion. Ominous. A motorcycle
rolls up and it's the dentist, complete with an exhaust baffle (US:
muffler) that hinges open to reveal a roll of diamonds. Initially
cautious – he usually deals with someone else – he places the
stones into the box they have brought and is about to leave when
Mr.Kidd feigns toothache and Mr.Wint slips the scorpion down the
dentist's collar. No sooner have they disposed of his body when a
helicopter comes in and they hand the pilot the box. The chopper
flies off and BOOM!; it was a bomb. Wint and Kidd walk off, erm, hand
in hand. Maybe they are friends...
Back to the briefing and Sir.Donald's theory that someone is
stockpiling diamonds, either to dump on the market to kill prices or
as a lever to blackmail. The question at hand is; who is doing the
stockpiling?.
A bush classroom somewhere in Africa, an elderly lady teaching
English is interrupted by visitors. Wint and Kidd (the latter given
to spraying himself with scent at every opportunity) give the old
girl the stones, placed in a hollowed out bible. Next stop:
Amsterdam.
What a co-incidence: Bond is off to the land of the Tulips too; a
professional smuggler, Peter Franks has come to the Secret Service's
attention and is due to leave for Amsterdam.
The Port of Dover: a mustard yellow Triumph Stag pulls up to customs,
Mr.Franks is directed to Passport Control. As he goes inside, Miss
Moneypenny – in Customs uniform – walks out to hand the car's new
owner – Bond – his passport. Now posing as Franks, Bond drives
off to the Hovercraft terminal and we see the Seaspeed Princess
Margaret roaring into the channel. (It's worth pointing out how
glamorous and exotic hovertravel really was at the time, going by
hovercraft was quite the adventure.) Across the channel and a tourist
boat glides along the canals of Amsterdam, the guide pointing out the
scenic attractions. Such as the dead old lady being fished out by the
Politie. The sinister Wint and Kidd are close, posing as
tourists and Bond/Franks arrives at a nearby house in the Stag,
ringing the button marked 'T.Case.'
Upstairs in a typically Dutch apartment, Bond meets Tiffany Case –
she was born in the store – we get a glimpse of her in not much but
a Blonde wig and then as a Brunette. Bond makes a 'collars and cuffs'
joke that hasn't aged as badly as it might and she goes to check his
prints, under the pretext of getting him some ice for his drink. She
has an instant camera with a fingerprint scanner hidden in a wardrobe
and Bond's prints match Peter Franks'. Finally dressed – Tiffany
reveals herself to be a natural redhead. 'Franks' has to get 50,000
carats of diamonds into Los Angeles – and for $1,000 a carat –
he'd better come up with something original...
“You've
just killed James Bond!”
Over the phone to Q, Bond pulls off his fake fingerprint and from his
Lab (Complete with tantalising glimpse of an Aston Martin DBS) Q
tells him that the real Franks has escaped!. As Franks arrives at
Tiffany's place, Bond (Posing hilariously as a courting couple)
follows him into the lift. Bond attacks, a glass panel breaking as he
does giving Franks warning.
Franks is a hard man and a vicious hand
to hand ensues, both men battering each other with punches and karate
chops. Pulling a gun, Franks is disarmed, a shot discharging – he
grabs a sliver of glass as the lift goes past a startled Tiffany, who
has heard the commotion. Finally, Bond sets off a fire extinguisher,
blinding Franks with foam before knocking him down the stairwell,
killing him. Deftly switching wallets, Bond drags the body into
Tiffany's apartment and lets her discover the man's identity... James
Bond!. Panicked by this, Tiffany reveals the stones are hidden in her
chandelier, delivered by a little old lady...
The forklift loads the coffin and 'Mr.Franks' boards his flight,
posing as a bereaved brother. Also aboard are Tiffany and, unseen
behind a partition, Wint and Kidd. Kidd, spraying himself, seems
nonplussed by Wint's casual remark regarding Tiffany's attractiveness
'for a lady.'(The first gay villains in a James Bond film, Wint and
Kidd are more subdued-weird than outrageous-camp.)
At Los Angeles, Bond is called to the customs shed where –
surprise, surprise it's Felix Leiter undercover as a customs man.
(With a disappearing clipboard if you watch very attentively).
Welcoming James on behalf of the C.I.A. he warns him about the three
stooges – no, three actual stooges – waiting by the hearse and
goes through the show of checking the body for contraband. But where
are the diamonds? - Alimentary, Doctor Leiter...
Slumber Inc. has sent it's finest, most obvious Hoodlums – (The
wonderful Marc Lawrence is in charge – a career Movie gangster, he
was to return as the Hitman at the beginning of Golden Gun)
and they take Bond to the crematorium to meet the sinister Morton
Slumber. A few switches thrown and the coffin goes through the
curtains bearing the mortal remains of Peter Franks. A bit of movie
time-twisting and barely have Bond and Slumber sat down in the
latter's office when a bearer brings in the urn, packed to the brim
with diamonds. Bond is instructed to take the urn through to the
garden of rest where a curtained niche reverently awaits it. The only
other people present are Wint and Kidd, reverently placing flowers. A
Slumber Inc. envelope awaits, reverently stuffed with cash and the
drop is made. As all Bond fans know, JB has to be knocked out from
behind once per film and Wint and Kidd must be fans; they oblige with
a metal urn and drag the comatose Bond off. At this point an old guy
with a face that looks like putty shows up and walks off with the
stones.
We all have fears; some of us are claustrophobic. Actually, I defy
anyone not to be if they wake up inside a coffin in a burning
oven. Bond does just this, and is trapped, the gas jets outside
roaring into an inferno of flame. Just as suddenly, the lid opens to
reveal Putty-face; the stones are phoney! Bond is quick to counter
though as they wouldn't have burned $50,000 unless it was dud –
bring the real money, get the real diamonds. He saunters off leaving
the Tropicana as his address.
Plenty
(Spot the crew member!)
Bond is relaxing in his bath and phones Felix, who tells him Q has
arrived with the real diamonds and will bring them tomorrow. Leafing
through a brochure, Bond sees none other than Putty-face; real name
Shady Tree, appearing with his Acorns in the Lincoln Lounge of the
Whyte House. (On the facing page is a photo of Sammy Davis, Jnr whose
scene in the film was cut).
The
Whyte House; a towering casino-hotel, the brainchild of the American
tycoon Willard Whyte, eccentric and notoriously reclusive. The slots
are doing a roaring trade and the showgirls are doing their thing in
the bar. James Bond saunters – Connery really does this very well –
into the Lincoln lounge to catch the end of Shady Tree's act. (One of
the old school of stand-ups, the humour hasn't aged well) In his
dressing room, Tree is approached by Wint and Kidd... who are
themselves approached as they leave. Bert Saxby, the
Casino Manager tells them not to kill Tree as the stones are fake.
He's too late, as Bond finds out a few moments later.
Above; 'Mr.Frank's credits good!'
What does James Bond do
without a lead?, in a Casino? - yep, he goes to the craps table. He
calls to raise the stakes and the croupier calls over Saxby. Flashing
the Slumber envelope to Saxby, Bond hits lucky and his credit is
good. A high-roller attracts a certain sort and Plenty O'Toole is
certainly a sort.
Above and Below: Lana Wood is Plenty - Plenty O' Toole
Plenty latches on to the big spending Bond.
Played by Lana Wood, Plenty is, in seventies parlance a 'Busty
Stunner'. Going into his office, Saxby calls Willard Whyte and tells
him to check the casino security cameras; Whyte does so and sees
'Peter Franks' at the table. He's not interested in details, just
those diamonds!. Bond wins big and tips Plenty $5,000 for her support
and she goes up to his suite for 'a drink'. Her dress hits the floor
and she goes to freshen up. Bond flicks the light on to discover the
goons from Slumber are all pointing guns and poor Plenty is
woman-handled out of the window to fall into the pool several storeys
below. Bond congratulates the lead goon (Lawrence) on his aim, to get
the immortal, delightfully gruff reply “I didn't know there was a
pool down there”. Bond's elbow knocks the wind out of the goon, but
rather than demand the real diamonds, the thugs leave a now deeply
suspicious Bond who finds Tiffany Case waiting for him on the bed in
a negligible. Sorry – negligee. They
make love, we know this because Tiffany has a cigarette in her hand.
They make a deal; 50-50 – he gets her the sparklers and she gets
them out of town in one piece. Them?, after being seen helping him
she'll need new employers...
Circus,
Circus; rows of packed slots beneath a large safety net and, above
that; the Flying Palacios trapeze artistes are performing a
breathtaking routine. Surreal. Tiffany wanders in and follows the
instructions Bond gave her. Up in a control gallery, James and Felix
watch and wait as she makes her way to a Blackjack table. At the
signal the dealer – who is in on it – skilfully deals her a card
with instructions to play the water balloons and, trusting his C.I.A.
Colleagues, James goes to hire a car for the next part of the plan.
Despite being clearly uninterested, Tiffany wins the prize – the
game is rigged and she gets a toy dog, (The whiney kid is priceless).
Felix' men aren't subtle, though, Tiffany spots the follow and ducks
into an illusion booth where a Girl becomes a Gorilla (and Nairobi
moves to South Africa) and then goes beserk, giving the kids a fright
and sending them stampeding out. She goes out the back and manages to
give the agents the slip.
Tiffany's
house is a beautiful, low bungalow with pool – (In real life, owned
by Kirk Douglas) and secret agent lounging awaiting her return. She
launches into Bond, but then notices there's a girl in the pool;
Plenty, quite dead. Poor plenty! - she must have stumbled in looking
for Tiffany. (In a cut scene after she was dumped in the Hotel pool
she came back up to Bond's room and found Tiffany's address –
perhaps a mistake to leave the scene out.) Bond explains that the
couriers are being murdered – the Dentist, the old lady, Shady...
she's next. He slaps her to get her to talk; the stuffed dog is in a
locker at McArran International and the pick-up is made by a Whyte
van. Bond and Tiffany follow, in a Ford Mustang (A red Mach1 429
Cobra Jet Ram Air for the record).
Stopping for gas, the van's driver
– Saxby switches with another man. Getting Tiffany to cut him off,
Bond sneaks into the back of the van for the drive out to the desert
and Whyte's High Security Tectronics plant.
Inside
the plant, a vehicle elevator takes the van deep underground and the
mystery man disappears inside a security card door with the diamonds.
Timing his approach, 007 waits for a technician to use his card and
comes in with him, making small talk. The man is Klaus Hergesheimer ,
from G-Section and checking radiation shields is his life. The
complex is clearly vast, tunnels leading off either way with
Laboratories and suchlike. Strolling in in a white coat and
clipboard, Bond cheekily poses as Hergesheimer and gets a look at a
lot of diamonds and a high-tech apparatus before the mystery man
comes up and demands he leaves, revealing himself as one Professor
Metz. A phone-call from Willard Whyte diverts Metz long enough for
Bond to hear that the diamonds are 'enough for completion' and then
see a rather conspicuous cassette tape before being shown the door.
As he leaves through one door, the real Hergesheimer
comes in another and Bond is blown.
The
Moon. Two astronauts collect samples from the lunar surface, a moon
buggy nearby. Its a mockup – a training facility (And quite
probably a nod to the popular Conspiracy Theories of the time that
doubted the Moon landings were real). The alarm goes up and Bond is
spotted, going for the moon buggy. He manages to get it started and
drives through the backdrop and out into daylight, crashing through
the security barrier with a force of Whyte's security men in pursuit.
Into the Nevada desert where the buggy's off-off Road (Well, you
can't get much farther off road than the Moon...) design leaves the
chasing cars struggling with the rugged terrain.
However, there's a
second wave of security on Honda mini-trikes and, as the last car
rolls (Look for the detached moon buggy wheel bouncing along as the
car wipes out. The terrain was more than a match for the buggy's
wheels with their fibre-glass tyres) the trikes take over, one taking
a tumble. As the others chase the receding buggy across the open
desert, Bond appears and kicks the rider off, stealing the trike and
reaching Tiffany, waiting with the Mustang.
Lean
Over!
Night
on the Strip, Bond and Tiffany cruise along the Neon valley where
Whyte's influence with the local cops becomes clear; thinking they
are saboteurs, the cops try to arrest them. Bond makes a break, the
Mustang's horsepower and pedigree showing as he takes the car through
the traffic and into a screeching turn (The obsessive among you will
note the tyre marks from previous takes) and past the crowds lining
the pavement to see a Bond film being made. (Hang on, noticing all
this makes me
obsessive!)
The chase enters a casino car-park and Bond throws the
Mach1 around to make a fool of the cops, giving them the slip by
using a trailer as a ramp and rolling over a car roof. The cop car
behind follows Movie rule #345
by trying to follow and crashing. The Sheriff himself then takes
over, chasing the Mustang into an alleyway – a dead end. There's
nowhere to go – just a loading ramp and a narrow alley beyond.
Well, if you haven't seen this one I can only assume you are Willard
Whyte – hasn't everyone?. Anyway – the car goes along on two
wheels and while the Sheriff's car follows rule #345,
Bond lands it and drives off.
Below: 'Lean Over!'
The
Whyte House and 'Mr. and Mrs.Jones' have taken the Bridal Suite. On
a fantastic aquarium-bed filled with exotic fish, they discuss
matters, until an irate Felix interrupts. He's got word from
Washington and it's no-go, they must leave Willard Whyte alone.
To
underline the point, Felix has men stationed outside the Suite to
stop Bond going anywhere. Felix leaves and so does Bond, casually
strolling out of the window to stand nonchalantly on top of a scenic
elevator. The elevator rises right up to the Starlite lounge and Bond
is left hanging far above (an obvious projection of) Vegas. Its a
sheer overhang, but 007 has come equipped with a piton gun, the piton
and cable hidden in his cummerbund. Soon he's hanging off the very
top of the Whyte House and clambering up, he reaches the roof and
finds a way in through a ventilation screen. Dropping in, he finds
himself in the throne room – literally; he's in Willard Whyte's
toilet and Whyte is clearly a very strange man. A wooden rotating
throne swivels to provide access to a fully-fitted executive desk
with all the bells and whistles, even a newspaper rack, plus monitor
screens showing the casinos.
Pressing
a button experimentally, Bond sees himself on the monitor, with
Whyte's voice over the speaker relaying the dismaying news that he
was expected. Whyte tells him to leave his gun and a door slides
open. The vast central space of the Penthouse is a stunning stainless
steel and teak affair, the overhanging gallery windows along one
side, a steel stairway curving upwards like a metallic dinosaur
spine. Angled ceiling supports slope down to the windows above a
sunken circular conference area, the perspex false floor adorned with
steel models of rockets. At the far end a desk, the chair behind
melodramatically turned to face the wall, a tapestry hangs
incongruously in a frame and there's a massive, circular safe in the
wall. Bond's footsteps echo hollowly as he walks the length of the
room. The chair turns... to reveal Blofeld!. Blofelds! - another
Blofeld steps down the stairs, much to Bond's amazement and settles
on a sofa. A rather familiar cat accompanies him, settling on the
other. The canny Ernst Stavro has successfully duplicated himself. As
the phone rings he uses a clever telephone voice-changer to sound
exactly like Whyte. (And the pedant in me can't help, but note that
this wouldn't change his actual
voice as it seems to in the film)
Above: After climbing tp the Penthouse, Bond finds two Blofelds - and kills the wrong one.
Blofeld
reveals Whyte is being held hostage. As a notorious recluse, he was
the perfect kidnap victim. Walking across the perspex floor we see
below it a map of Whyte's empire is laid out in miniature –
everything from Electronics to Aviation. Bond has a problem; which is
the real
ESB?. He admits he wouldn't know which one to kill, standing casually
by the cat on the sofa. Suddenly, Bond boots the cat (Relax – look
closely and it looks like they filmed it backwards, with the cat
originally landing on the sofa by Bond's shoe). The startled kitty
leaps into the hands of sofa-Blofeld and, lightning-fast, Bond draws
and shoots him in the head with the piton gun. The Blofeld at the
desk has a revolver aimed at Bond and as sofa-Blofeld's cat leaves in
a huff the real
Blofeld's
cat makes an entrance, pausing only to put the ersatz-Kitty in its
place. (I won't dwell on VC's performance as he is quite
the
prima-donna as it is.) Blofeld has a cassette tape – World's
Greatest Marches
– the same one we saw in Metz' lab. He puts it in the wall safe and
orders Bond into the lift – or should that be elevator?. Bond is
suspicious, but has no choice. Pressing 'L' he braces for the floor
to open, but the elevator isn't rigged. Oh, apart from the gas
hissing in. A comatose Bond is met in a sub-basement by Wint and
Kidd. (Listen closely and you can just hear Kidd say 'Winter' –
Fleming's original name for the character) As they dump 007 in the
boot of their car, Wint's scent bottle slips out of a pocket and is
accidentally crushed beneath Bond. They drive down an underground
tunnel and Kidd presses a remote to open a concealed doorway in the
side of a hill. Leaving Bond in a section of steel pipe, the two
funsters drive off.
Morning.
A pipe-laying team are hard at work in the early morning sun –
heavy plant making short work of the dry Nevada dirt. Out cold, James
Bond is buried alive, the section of pipe just one of many placed
before the trench is filled in. Dazed, Bond finally comes to, with a
rat for companion. The rat is sniffing its evening-dressed companion
and for good reason – Bond reeks, Wint's scent all over him.
Suddenly, the rat scarpers – and the reason is clear. A frightening
contraption is sparking and squealing along the pipe; some kind of
automated pipe welding device. Timing his leap carefully, Bond jumps
on, his face inches from the flailing, arcing welding cables.
Grabbing two by the insulation, he manages to short the machine out.
A maintenance jeep comes out and two engineers open an inspection
hatch; out steps Bond with a pithy quip.
Blofeld
takes a call in Whyte's Penthouse – posing as Saxby, Bond uses a
hastily lashed-up version of the voice-changer. Is he a hobbyist?;
not at all, it's Q (Hooray!) to the rescue. 'Saxby' acts spooked,
prompting Blofeld to reveal Whyte is being held at his own summer
house. He orders 'Saxby' to eliminate him and calls Metz to bring the
operation forward 24hrs. Leaving his second in command behind ready
to hit the Penthouse, Felix takes Bond to the summer house. Bond goes
in ahead. When they have Whyte, the Penthouse will be raided. The
house is magnificent, mid-century modern and absolutely breathtaking
(The famous Elrod house was used for this scene).
Above; Bambi & Thumper and (Right) Willard Whyte, freed by Bond and Felix
Strolling
in, Bond is greeted by Bambi and Thumper – two acrobatic, but
deadly girls who guard Whyte. They don't carry any weapons, but Bond
soon finds out the hard way... they are
weapons.
Thumper gives him a knee to the heritage department and Bambi vaults
across the room, tumbling into a spinning kick that sends him
sprawling. These girls are psychotic – Bambi holding Bond's head in
her vice-strong thighs as Thumper lines him up for a brutal kick to
the guts. Bond is out of his depth – and that's before they sling
him into the infinity pool, diving in for the finish. Luckily, 007
can hold his breath and turns the tables, holding the girls splashing
and struggling underwater as Felix and the cavalry arrive. Where's
Willard Whyte? - a half-drowned Thumper points out his quarters below
the pool and he's freed. (Emerging from the toilet – clearly
there's a theme here) Emerging into the sunlight for the first time
in years, Whyte is nearly killed, Saxby's shot going high. Felix' men
open up and Saxby is shot, his body sliding down the hillside. The
eccentric tycoon gives an order: tell Saxby, he's fired!. (The
late Jimmy Dean plays Whyte, but was nervous about the role as at the
time he worked for Howard Hughes and was worried about playing such
an obvious pastiche).
Look
what the cat dragged in
Back in the Whyte House, Agent
Maxwell leads his men towards the Penthouse, whilst Q takes a moment
to enjoy the Slots, playing a row one at a time. Spotting him,
Tiffany comes up to see how much trouble she's in, asking him to put
in a good word. Oddly, all the machines he's played have paid out
their jackpots... Q shows her his secret; a tiny Electromagnetic RPM
Controller built into a pinky-ring. Naturally, Q launches into a
long-winded technical briefing, but Tiffany's attention is caught by
the middle-aged woman casually heading for the exit. Is that VC she's
carrying? - none other!. Following the woman outside she's bundled
into a limousine and we are treated to the hideous sight of Blofeld
in drag. (He wasn't camp enough?)
As they drive off, Whyte leads the way to the underground Tectronics
Lab to find everything has been moved. Bond draws the gizmo he saw
and Whyte reveals Metz is a World famous expert on Laser refraction.
Oh-Oh. Also a committed pacifist, it seems odd that such a man should
be working for Blofeld. Studying Bond's sketch, the Lab manager
recognises it-the satellite they sent to AFB Vandenberg for launch
and Whyte's call comes too late; the satellite is already in orbit.
Vandenberg has a problem; the
launch went smoothly, but the rocket is not responding to control.
The first stage separates prematurely and the nose-cone breaks away
to reveal the satellite. The Solar arrays open and a burst of the
main thruster sees it in it's own orbit, the abort signal having no
effect whatsoever. The main reflector unfurls into a hemisphere of
diamonds, while Back at Tectronics the full danger of Blofeld's
satellite is starting to dawn on Bond and Co.
North Dakota, Strategic Air
Command's 224th
Strategic Missile Wing (168 Squadron). An ICBM silo. Blofeld's
satellite fires a pulse of concentrated laser energy and the missile
explodes. (You have to make some allowances for the Special Effects
here; they were clearly under financial and time constraints) Even a
Soviet Submarine underwater isn't safe – the next beam superheats
the hull, the sub blows up with a massive underwater explosion. At
the Penthouse of the Whyte House, Whyte has to answer both a call of
nature and a phonecall from Washington. Red China next; a row of
anti-aircraft missiles are blown to bits, the soldiers manning them
running around in flames. Whyte emerges from the can to reveal
Blofeld is holding the United States - the World to ransom. All
Blofeld needs to control the satellite is a coded tape – a cassette
even. (Bells ringing?, good, lets proceed...) Bond looks over the map
below the perspex floor. Assuming Blofeld is still using Whyte's
empire as cover, he could be anywhere from Alaska to Florida, Maine
to Oregon, from Texas to Baja, California... but Whyte hasn't got
anything in Baja!...
An oil platform off of the Baja
coast. In his quarters, Blofeld strokes VC luxuriantly as he listens
to the radio broadcasting news of the nuclear emergencies. Flustered,
Metz enters, with the news that the rig has been quietly surrounded
by Submarines and is being circled by Military aircraft. Unruffled,
Blofeld is not bothered by the show of muscle – the Nuclear powers
are best dealt with by force. Tongue firmly in cheek, he insists to
the jittery Metz that this will ensure total disarmament and World
Peace. (Laser experts beware: check your employer before signing...)
A
plane is approaching, Blofeld orders a 'Stage One' Alert and across
the rig men in blue and orange get-ups rush around pretending to
know what this means. Lets take a moment to consider the dress code
here; Blofeld's henchmen are hilarious,
blue
boiler suits, orange jump boots, gloves and pistol belts topped off
with matching safety lids with a white lightning flash. Where were
we?; oh yes, the plane. A silver sphere tumbles from the aircraft,
drogue parachutes pulling open three larger ones to slow it's descent
to the sea. Splashing down, the chutes detach and the ball starts to
roll towards the rig, much like the more recent Water Walkers at
Swimming pools. Of course, it unzips to reveal Bond, ready with a
Pollution inspection quip. Under armed guard, 007 is winched up in a
cage to the main deck where Blofeld greets him with disdain. Tiffany
is making the most of her captivity, working on her tan on a lounger
in a fetching purple bikini.
Above; Bond & Whyte discover Blofeld's oil platform, Blofeld outlines the plan, Tiffany tries to help and the final battle.
A
thorough search uncovered the cassette hidden in the lining of Bond's
(now ripped) suit and Blofeld plays it to reveal it contains martial
music. Credit where it's due; Blofeld acknowledges Bond's plan was
spot-on, to switch the tape from his lining for the Satellite Master
Control tape and Scotch
the whole plot. (There's definitely a joke there somewhere...) True
to form, Blofeld gives Bond the master tour and Tiffany shows her
colours by slipping Bond his music cassette. In the main control room
and there's no word from the Authorities. Blofeld decides on
Washington DC as his next target. Standing by the control bank, Bond
presses eject and smoothly switches the tapes. Having changed,
Tiffany comes in, just too late to see the switch she assumes the
real tape is still in the control bank. A ten-minute countdown
begins. Blofeld orders Bond to be thrown in the brig after another
search, but he manages to offload the incriminating Control tape down
the back of Tiffany's bikini bottom. Bond manages to set a weather
balloon loose on the way to the brig and makes a break, getting a
machine-gun butt in the gut. Tiffany scurries out to tell Bond the
good news; she's switched the tapes back!. Bond tells her her mistake
as he's hauled off.
More
cheek than usual
A
Whyte helicopter flies over the ocean. From the air, Whyte and Felix
spot the balloon going up and Felix launches the attack, a fleet of
gunships preparing to hit the rig. On the rig, the radar picks up the
incoming assault and at a command, the rig's hidden defences are
deployed. Innocuous-looking containers open flat to reveal
anti-aircraft guns. A burst of rocket fire from the gunships is met
with a ferocious hail of AAA rounds and the first casualties are
taken as explosions rock the rig, choppers roaring overhead. A
furious Metz finally realises the obvious and Blofeld spots the
cassette hidden in Tiffany's bikini as she fumbles to get the
cassettes switched. Its the brig for Tiffany, but a burst of fire
from a gunship riddles her guard and she's free. Meanwhile, Bond has
discovered there is
no
proper brig on a rig; it's a storeroom with a handy hatch down to the
underside and, as a gunship explodes above he ropes down to hang
precariously above the water. Another chopper goes down, but Bond
manages to reach a pair of cables strung rope-bridge style beneath
the rig. More explosions; this time in the control room and it looks
like the games up. Blofeld calls for his Bathosub to be prepared and
prepares to bugger off. Bond reaches topside as Blofeld steps aboard
his mini-sub. (A natty design, the Bathosub is, at the time of
writing, on show at the marvellous Bond
in Motion
exhibit in London.)
Launched by crane, the Bathosub
is hauled high into the air above the rig and Bond spots his chance;
before Blofeld can be lowered into the water 007 strikes, hauling the
crane operator clear. Bond decides on a bit of fun; as the outraged
Blofeld screams in frustration over the tannoy, Bond first drops it
into the drink and then hauls it back up to play wrecking ball.
Tiffany picks up a sub machine gun and rattles off a burst in the
vague direction of the bad guys, the recoil knocking her backwards –
clean off the rig!. As the Bathosub smashes through the control room
wall all hell breaks loose. Time to go. 007 steps onto the guardrail
and executes a magnificent dive into the sea as the rig goes up in a
series of massive explosions.
A
cruise liner prepares for departure, sounding her mighty horn in
salute, the jubilant passengers waving to loved ones amidst a
waterfall of paper streamers. Felix and WW bid James and Tiffany
farewell, Whyte offering to have the ship steam in circles if they
are enjoying the voyage. (This guy has clout!). But where are Messrs
Wint and Kidd? - oh, there they are, at the portholes of their cabin.
That night, James and Tiffany canoodle on a lounger on the private
deck of their suite. Worried about her future, she has a question for
him... but the knock at the door announces dinner has arrived. Need I
add the waiters are Wint and Kidd? - none other. On the pretence of a
gift from WW, they offer a sumptuous feast; Oysters Andaluz,
Shashlik, Tid-Bits, Prime Rib au
Jus,
Salade
Utopia and for dessert, a Bombe Surprisé
- the ticking kind...
Mr.Wint
plays Wine Waiter, offering Bond a Mouton Rothschild '55 and, of
course, Bond smells a rat – specifically, Wint's overpowering
scent. He's smelled it before and expresses disappointment that there
wasn't a claret. Wint falls for it – a bad giveaway; Mouton
Rothschild is
a
claret. (Cannot stomach it myself, but each to their own). The game
is up, Kidd lighting up two kebabs with oil and going for Bond as his
partner tries to strangle him. Smashing a brandy, Bond lights up Kidd
who goes up like – well, a man covered in flaming spirit. In agony,
Kidd goes over the rail and into the ocean, lightly cooked for the
fishes. His partner dead, Wint is distraught, but mainly murderous.
Tiffany chucks the Bombe at him (Presumably just nutting him with a
bottle didn't occur) and it breaks open to reveal the Surprisé.
Bond
grabs the bomb and, turning Wint round, he pulls his jacket tail back
between his legs, wraps it round the bomb and tips him forward into
the briny. KaBOOM!.
Alone at last, Tiffany pops the
question; How the hell do they get those diamonds back down again?.
Blofeld's satellite twinkles the challenge from the sky and Shirley
sings the Theme song.
THE END
of
DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
James Bond will return in
LIVE
AND LET DIE
Diamonds are Forever
was,
of course, Sean Connery's last official Bond, his last for EON
Productions. It's taken a lot of flak over the years; Blofeld' s too
camp, Bond disinterested and going through the motions. Here's the
authentic Volcano Cat take; Charles Gray is wonderful as Blofeld,
camp, tongue in cheek and not taking the whole thing too seriously.
He's perfect – for me the best Blofeld of the series. Pleasance and
Telly played it straight – a mistake in my book. How can you be a
megalomaniac, living in craters and threatening the World and not
have a smile about the whole thing?. I've enjoyed all three Blofelds,
(I should include Max Von Sydow there) but Gray is the one for me.
I'm in a minority there; so what?.
Connery came back to the role grudgingly; his hate-hate relationship
with the Producers by now endemic. There was no real chance of this
rift being smoothed and this paved the way for the Moore years. On
his deathbed Cubby Broccoli made his peace with Connery – a proud
Scot and not an easy man to sway. The support is good, too; Lana Wood
is definitely Plenty and Jill St.John does well, apart from some
moments when her cool deserts her. Surely a street-smart girl could
do better than sling a dessert... but that's nit-picking.
Overall,
Diamonds holds
its ground well – in fact one of my favourite Connery Bonds, only
beaten by From
Russia With Love and
Goldfinger.
One for the collection.
Below: Just to set the film in the historical context, some events from 1971
Goofs
– I'm always in two minds about these – picking holes in
someone's work is hardly noble, but it can
be
fun and so in the spirit of things here's some of my favourites.
The Alleyway stunt – originally a goof, the Mustang went into the
alle on one side and rolled out on the other – clearly impossible
in such a tiny space, but the error was spotted and an insert filmed;
we see Bond and Tiffany in the car as it turns.
Earlier in the same chase, a Cop car skids into a conveniently placed
wooden baffle in the Mint car-park. (Presumably there to protect the
building.)
When Bond kills Blofeld's double in the Penthouse, he shoots him with
the Piton gun, but with no cable attached. Either Bond was psychic
and knew he'd need the gun to kill with – or this is a goof.
The diamond reflector of the satellite was an old-style camera flash
reflector.
In the scene with Whyte at Tectronics, Connery clearly says 'Light
retraction.' Metz is an expert in Refraction.
Tiffany's bikini and change of top on the oil platform – where did
she get them?, did they stop off on the way to Baja?.
In the WW chopper over the Pacific, Whyte's life-vest is clearly
stencilled 'Property of Pan Am'
When Bond throws the spirit over Kidd, he suddenly sports asbestos
gloves (More of a safety requirement than a goof.)
BONUS! - BEHIND THE SCENES OF DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
Well, why not? - you deserve a treat - and to celebrate our first advertisers, those marvellous folks at Purely Diamonds; here's some bonus material;
Above: Whichever is your favourite Bond, the incomparable (Now Sir.) Sean Connery returned to the role, famously donating his World record $1.25 Million salary to found a charity for Scottish children. (The coffin shot was his last day as an 'official' Bond)
Above: The Moon Buggy has recently been restored.
Above: Golf on the moon!
Above: Trina Parks plays Thumper - the scene was filmed at the famous Elrod house, designed by the genius John Lautner
Below: There's a dynamic here - rumour has it that Connery had on-set flings with both his leading ladies... we can neither confirm nor deny this...
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